Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!