[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked