I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Proctology is located in A55
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…