‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*