My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.