Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
he was correct
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Lmao 🤣
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued