Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”