I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.