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If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.