Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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ugh not again
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.