GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours