Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
You Might Also Like
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
then why did i get this email
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
🤔😂😂
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.