Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!