[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Become ungovernable.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.