me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
it must be school picture day
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.