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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.