[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Legend 🤣🤣
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me