I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof