Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”