WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.