Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock