[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?