[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I’m too immature for adultery.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Woke up against my better judgement again
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave