I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion