Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me, in DM rooms…
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now