If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”