Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
📽️movie date🎞️
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
scrabbled eggs