venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.