When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Steam Forums
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit