Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
You Might Also Like
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.