Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice