His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.