[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Name another movie that mislead you?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit