the only bumper sticker ill allow
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
secret recipe
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played