I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.