Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Good morning, Twitter x
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something