Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house