You Might Also Like
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.