I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The internet is magic sometimes.
you stereotypes are all alike
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.