dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.