Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
love it when they get my name right
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.