Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My love language is deader than Latin
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come