Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin