When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72