5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m listening
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn