My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.