As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
the answer was staring at me all along
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.