Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
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14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
ugh not again
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!