As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit