*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Oh we’ve met.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh